Surviving the Slasher

It's been quite a long time since i've been here last....... actually almost a year now .. The fact that someone mocked my language has nothing to do with why i was away...

Now, i'd like to start my new blogging spree which will most probably last a couple of days before it becomes irregular again.........

Let's talk about Slasher movies...... the popular 70's genre that introduced the neglect sociopath with mother issues most of the time wielding a plethora of odd sharp or blunt instruments that is to be used as weapons throughout the major par

t of the movie........

Now there are a few rules that are in built into the whole slasher movie concept.......

1. The first death is always off screen.... its usually some really rich kid, or really smart kid or really spoilt kid........ whose death is blaring on every news channel and if you are in college ... all over campus
2. If you are a stuck up bitch or a really self centered cheerleader or a dumb bimbo.... you will most probably die next.
3. It is absolutely essential that one of your jackass friends pull a stunt to trick you into thinking he/she is dead......... this is a notable marker to tell u that are in a slasher and theres not much you can do about it
4. It is also necessary that a few days following the prank your jackass friend turns up dead in the same fashion as his prank....... that night you will probably wake up to some strange noise ( clanking of utensils, a cat that youve never before seen in your life, squeaky doors). the moment you get out of bed to see what it is... shadows of someone will appear behind you but like always you're oblivious to that..... and don't worry if this happens to you ... you probably won't die (for now.....)
5. Never .... and this is an absolute essential..... be the cool guy in a slasher flick cause youre calm nonchalance and "i-don't-give-a-damn" attitude will get you killed..... better work on that.
6. If you are two best friends and one of you is fat, well you are just tempting the slasher gods aren't you....oh! you aren't? well then, youre dead too... both of you.....
7. People like the janitor, or the guard or that sheriff who was your dad's friend, and that fat chick from the diner who you vent out to or those who say "i've got your back, hon' "..... always end up dead before they actually have a chance to "get your back".
8. If you are not one of that popular kids, and u see yourself being mocked at by the other kids, don't worry, all of them usually end up dead and you turn out to be the heroine ( no there are no male leads in slasher movies ... if u think u are looking like one you will probably die too) or if you ARE male you'll probably end up being the slasher and escape in any case the cool kids, like i said Always with no exception die.
9. The Slasher eventually catches up with the pretty girl heroine...... if thats you, don't worry. You won't die yet, you'll just end up tripping all the time and sustain a lot of bruises but you'll be fine as long as you are a virgin.
10. Note, if you ARE the heroine and have just lost your virginity then your boy friend or who ever it is that you lost your virginity to is killer (THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCEPTION). So as a rule of thumb DON'T FALL ASLEEP.
11. Lastly, if you are anyone apart from the slasher, the heroine or someone introduced in the 57th minute of the movie you are probably dead..........

There are a few other secondary rules that are also applicable in certain situations....

• If your town has urban legends about serial killers, it's most definitely true, and what ever you parents say is a lie.... if you die, you can place all blame on them.
• Never go into or anywhere near a bath room until the slasher is either dead, caught or disappeared for the time being. There are a 110 innovative ways in which you can die in the bathroom.
• Never hide in the closet or under the bed or behind curtains or in the fire place...... thats the first place the slasher will look.
• On second thought, NEVER hide. Just keep running, the advantage is two fold, almost all slashers are tall imposing characters, so, just to exercise their prowess slashers seldom run they just walk unbelievably fast and in the course of running you will in most cases find some clue about the identity of the slasher
• Unfortunate for you, it doesn't matter even if you were a olympic gold medalist in running, the slasher always catches up with you.
• The friendly neighbor who every one loves, Ya he is the slasher...... stay away from him.
• If you find out that your family holds secrets like an uncle in the psych ward or that your grandfather was a war veteran who was medically experimented on in Vietnam... your family and maybe even you will most certainly end up dead cause everyone escapes from psych wards and don't even get me started on experimentation.
• Never get into a car during a chase, the slasher always magically appears in the back seat.

There are a few characteristics of Slashers that you should be familiar with if you mean to survive.....

• Slashers, as a rule of thumb, are bestowed with super human strength.
• If you find yourself in the same frame as the slasher, avoid fighting him, cause unless you are the heroine you will always die.
• Don't try to use sharp objects against the slasher, I mean come on, slashers OWN the whole pointy object hoopla.
• Never physically attack the slasher, it always ends up with your arm being chopped off with a machete.
• If you are the heroin, good news for you. Many a times you find clues to the identity of the slasher, this knowledge now over rides the super human nature of the slasher.
• Anyone who says cliched lines like "That only happens in the movies", or "I'll be right back" are literally inviting the slasher to kill them. Yeah! they end up with their head chopped of in the next frame.
• Slasher entry in always coupled with ominous, minor key choir music. If you hear any music leading up to that, anyone in the frame is dead.
• Moaning usually invites death, they maybe high pitched moans from cheerleaders and jocks in cars in which case both of them die in the next frame. or Low grunting moans, in which case you are either dead/undead
• If you are a heroine, youre boyfriend either dies or is the slasher, bad news either way.
• Slashers who never spoke a single word throughout the series are so beyond psychological damage that its pretty much no use trying to convince them otherwise, But the heroines still do. More loquacious killers are usually swayed to a point where they drop their guard.
• Slashers whose identities are not revealed to the audience are immune to, any kind of damage or death.These kind of slashers are the ones who jump out of windows when they see that there is no more fruitful kills available, The entire town thinks he's dead. But you know better, such unidentified slashers invite a large number of sequels (halloween, Friday the 13th, Saw)
• Slashers whose identities are revealed are not liable for sequels, upon revealing their identity to the audience, they have lost their superhuman powers, and can now be killed by nerds who will sneak up behind them and hit them with a chair, when he is boasting off to the heroine.
• Never mock that one peculiar kid in the back of the class in 5th grade. Don't excessively mock or debilitate him for some error of his family, he WILL become a slasher and you WILL regret the day you ever got onto his bad side.
• Before attacking the heroine the slasher looks at her, almost lovingly like giving up slashing forever in her arms, but don't be fooled he's just thinking what he'll do with your kidney once he slashes you.
• Also, Slashers should ALWAYS wear some kind of mask, and have peculiar mannerism and choice of weapon and method of killing should be same, if the weapon or the kill style changes the genre is no longer slasher and the movie will fail to make an effect on the audience.

Generally, the killer is more popular with the film public for the way that they stand out than the hero or heroine. With their trademark mannerisms, who can resist their charms?

So now you are equipped with the knowledge to successfully survive a slasher ( oh! i forgot to mention if you are equipped with this knowledge and find yourself in a slasher, you are the first to die (eg. Scream) , OOPS!! )