Bollywood Blues

Bollywood has been a place of glory and wonderment for years ... It houses some of the world's most famous actors and otherworldly talented actors of global fame and acclaim like Amithabh Bachhan ( My dad's personal favorite ), Shah Rukh Khan, and Anil Kapoor. But what sets the Hindi cinema apart from any other kind of movies? What is it that entices the audience...... There are certain subtle nuances common to all Hindi move, especially the old ones that set them apart from other classes of movies.

Some very prominent characteristics are:

• First and foremost, the hero is always someone like a coolie or Bus driver or college student or someone without a high paying job, Cause anyone with high paying jobs can not be heroes. Also Heroes are physically gifted but most of the times they are street smart but not intellectually gifted. if they are then the movie was most definitely not a success (unless Amithabh Bachhan played that role)
• There are always burning buildings and the mothers never rescue the child, It is always the hero. ALWAYS, no one else dares touches the child till the hero arrives not even trained firemen.
• Policemen are only ever completely untouchable and beyond any suggestions of corruption whatsoever, or rotten to the core and the head of a huge organised crime syndicate, with no in-between.
• The hero and heroine never fall in love immediately, It is always necessary that they quarrel before they realize they are in love. If they do fall in love immediately then they quarrel later like Shashi kapoor and zeenat aman in that movie Satyam Shivam Sundaram
• As a rule of thumb, there are no fat, ugly or short people if there are, they are built to be doomed, Evil or comic relief respectively.
• The Hero always has unresolved father issues and most of the times his father is the villain. Also the heroine is ALWAYS born to wealthy parents, the only way a poor heroine can work is if the movie is set in a village, even in that instance she is the daughter of the village elder.
• The Heroines father instantly dislikes the hero, this can be heard from the thundering background music when they first meet. Its most possible that the heroine's father killed the hero's mother, or father or brother or something like that.
• As a rule of thumb with Shah Rukh, He never gets his heroine cause he dies most of the times, and he is always the bad guy but some how the hero....
• Murders occur only during Rain..... always no exception... if the murder is off screen its usually in the bath room.
• Easiest way to identify goons is the cut on their cheek, and unkempt hair... they are absolutely necessary.
• The hero (especially amitabh) can maintain balance perfectly and fight bad guys even if he has had a gallon of liquor.
• Graveyards always have smoke around the tombstones, this leads us to conclude that all dead bodies in the graveyard died due to degenerative lung disease caused by excessive smoking.
• If you see an actor you don't know, and has not been mentioned in the papers, he will die in the movie. ALWAYS with no exception.
• Anyone in wheel chairs are either one of the parents of the hero or the villain.
• Helicopters when used are not audible until they appear in the frame.
• And Villains ALWAYS, with very little exception smuggle drugs, or are involved in human trafficking, a movie employing any other kind of villain will irrefutably flop. Art films employing no villains also don't taste much success.

Some more marvels to look out for are :

• When a young child in a bicycle goes out of frame, the next time he comes back in frame he is an adult.... and he is the hero or hero's brother, If he be the brother... he will die in 20 mins because the hero has to take revenge against whomsoever it was that killed his brother.
• No matter how jobless and incompetent the hero was, if the heroine's father asks him to become a successful man(which he inevitably will), the hero becomes the owner of a vast business empire in under 2 weeks.
• Twins are ALWAYS separated at birth, there is no exception. And one of the twin is ALWAYS evil.
• Bollywood also has invented a strange genetic isolator employing which, the father and the son look the same.... and in such cases the father and son end up fighting and only make up in the last 5 mins of the movie.
• Comedians are always short, and heroes are always tall... Oh not to forget, the heroines, every one of them all use copious amount of make up, so much so that, when their shot is done most of them lose about 8 pounds.
• The Hero has learnt the magic of infinite ammo, cause in his possession even small pistols can shoot over 30 to 40 rounds.
• The Villain has a terrible aim and her always shoots 2 inches to the right of hero's head. If the Hero Did run out of ammo, a retinue of cops emerge from no where, with their signature "HANDS UP".
• When in a car chase and theres shooting, it is always the back windscreen that gets shattered, absolutely nothing should happen to the front window screen even if a shovel is angled right at it.
• When shot, the hero's mother, father, brother or sister can live upto eternity in wait for the hero to arrive, but they draw their last breath just before completing what they had to say to the hero....
• Professional enemy marksmen fail to hit anything other than the dirt around their target - it makes the hero look cooler when he runs away. On the other side, layabout amateur heroic gunslingers armed with a home-customised pistol in each hand are able to shoot half a dozen separate moving targets at a hundred yards while at a dead run, or possibly while somersaulting.
• Someone standing in the balcony will always be shot to the chest, and he will always fall FORWARD onto the ground, neglecting all laws of physics.
• Bombs can only be safely defused in the last ten seconds of the countdown. The timer is always accurate and the bomb never goes off prematurely or some time later than 00:00, even if it was built by the most hideous villain.
• Heroes can survive a blast of any magnitude just by throwing themselves on the floor as the bomb goes off. Bombs if meant to be diffused can be done so by cutting one wire, but which is it, the red or the blue? to think future heroes would have learnt this already from past heroes who disabled similar bombs
• There is always a free space for the Hero to park his cark, and he never locks it, Strangely however no one dares steal it. All cars that over turn explode, without exception and the hero, who usually is a good driver, finds himself in a situation where his car is heading towards a cliff, even if he isin't in a hill station, and he jumps of the car seconds before the car flies of the edge of the cliff, he couldn't have done that 3 minutes ago.
• The Villain dies instantly, and much like the super human slashers, the hero is immune to all forms of damage, and death. Unless it is meant for him to die and be reborn and kill a 80 year old man, who has lived a full satisfactory life...
• One feature that sets Hindi cinema apart from anything else is the songs. The hero and heroine are sitting in a park bench in Mumbai when they realize they are in love, the next thing you know, they are in switzerland and dancing joyously with a total of 147 costume changes in a matter of 5 minutes. No one ever interrupts them. Also they have somehow found 20 boys and girls who are willing to dance to their tune

The most important scene in any movie is the face off between the hero and the Villain(who is more often than not the Heroine's father). This scene is a matter of in depth study in itself.

• No one knows the hideout of the Villain, but the hero is intuitive enough to arrive at the right place always.
• The hideouts are always abandoned warehouses, ALWAYS ... they are not posh bungalows,they are always unkempt.
• As soon as the Hero enters, he sees the Villain at a higher Vantage point, to reach the villain he must fight of 8 batches of big goons who are atleast twice the hero's size.
• No matter how many goons the hero is fighting, they always come in line to get a thrashing, the goons NEVER double team the Hero, if at all they do so, then there are two heroes (preferably people with names like Darmendar and Jitendar).
• The Villain is an elder gentleman, but he has the fighting prowess almost equal to the hero, But it doesn't matter, cause the hero always emerges victorious.
• After the Villain is defeated, the Warehouse always blows up, even if it is a ware house of insulation material. There is a bike placed conveniently in a direction facing opposite a glass window, The hero must and should make a fancy 180 degree stunt turn in the bike and escape through the glass window.
• There is a large overwhelming blast the moment the frame changes and the hero brakes out of the window, Not a second earlier.
• The Hero as always has sustained no injury.

These are some of the features that truly make Bollywood "One of a kind".

Surviving the Slasher

It's been quite a long time since i've been here last....... actually almost a year now .. The fact that someone mocked my language has nothing to do with why i was away...

Now, i'd like to start my new blogging spree which will most probably last a couple of days before it becomes irregular again.........

Let's talk about Slasher movies...... the popular 70's genre that introduced the neglect sociopath with mother issues most of the time wielding a plethora of odd sharp or blunt instruments that is to be used as weapons throughout the major par

t of the movie........

Now there are a few rules that are in built into the whole slasher movie concept.......

1. The first death is always off screen.... its usually some really rich kid, or really smart kid or really spoilt kid........ whose death is blaring on every news channel and if you are in college ... all over campus
2. If you are a stuck up bitch or a really self centered cheerleader or a dumb bimbo.... you will most probably die next.
3. It is absolutely essential that one of your jackass friends pull a stunt to trick you into thinking he/she is dead......... this is a notable marker to tell u that are in a slasher and theres not much you can do about it
4. It is also necessary that a few days following the prank your jackass friend turns up dead in the same fashion as his prank....... that night you will probably wake up to some strange noise ( clanking of utensils, a cat that youve never before seen in your life, squeaky doors). the moment you get out of bed to see what it is... shadows of someone will appear behind you but like always you're oblivious to that..... and don't worry if this happens to you ... you probably won't die (for now.....)
5. Never .... and this is an absolute essential..... be the cool guy in a slasher flick cause youre calm nonchalance and "i-don't-give-a-damn" attitude will get you killed..... better work on that.
6. If you are two best friends and one of you is fat, well you are just tempting the slasher gods aren't you....oh! you aren't? well then, youre dead too... both of you.....
7. People like the janitor, or the guard or that sheriff who was your dad's friend, and that fat chick from the diner who you vent out to or those who say "i've got your back, hon' "..... always end up dead before they actually have a chance to "get your back".
8. If you are not one of that popular kids, and u see yourself being mocked at by the other kids, don't worry, all of them usually end up dead and you turn out to be the heroine ( no there are no male leads in slasher movies ... if u think u are looking like one you will probably die too) or if you ARE male you'll probably end up being the slasher and escape in any case the cool kids, like i said Always with no exception die.
9. The Slasher eventually catches up with the pretty girl heroine...... if thats you, don't worry. You won't die yet, you'll just end up tripping all the time and sustain a lot of bruises but you'll be fine as long as you are a virgin.
10. Note, if you ARE the heroine and have just lost your virginity then your boy friend or who ever it is that you lost your virginity to is killer (THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCEPTION). So as a rule of thumb DON'T FALL ASLEEP.
11. Lastly, if you are anyone apart from the slasher, the heroine or someone introduced in the 57th minute of the movie you are probably dead..........

There are a few other secondary rules that are also applicable in certain situations....

• If your town has urban legends about serial killers, it's most definitely true, and what ever you parents say is a lie.... if you die, you can place all blame on them.
• Never go into or anywhere near a bath room until the slasher is either dead, caught or disappeared for the time being. There are a 110 innovative ways in which you can die in the bathroom.
• Never hide in the closet or under the bed or behind curtains or in the fire place...... thats the first place the slasher will look.
• On second thought, NEVER hide. Just keep running, the advantage is two fold, almost all slashers are tall imposing characters, so, just to exercise their prowess slashers seldom run they just walk unbelievably fast and in the course of running you will in most cases find some clue about the identity of the slasher
• Unfortunate for you, it doesn't matter even if you were a olympic gold medalist in running, the slasher always catches up with you.
• The friendly neighbor who every one loves, Ya he is the slasher...... stay away from him.
• If you find out that your family holds secrets like an uncle in the psych ward or that your grandfather was a war veteran who was medically experimented on in Vietnam... your family and maybe even you will most certainly end up dead cause everyone escapes from psych wards and don't even get me started on experimentation.
• Never get into a car during a chase, the slasher always magically appears in the back seat.

There are a few characteristics of Slashers that you should be familiar with if you mean to survive.....

• Slashers, as a rule of thumb, are bestowed with super human strength.
• If you find yourself in the same frame as the slasher, avoid fighting him, cause unless you are the heroine you will always die.
• Don't try to use sharp objects against the slasher, I mean come on, slashers OWN the whole pointy object hoopla.
• Never physically attack the slasher, it always ends up with your arm being chopped off with a machete.
• If you are the heroin, good news for you. Many a times you find clues to the identity of the slasher, this knowledge now over rides the super human nature of the slasher.
• Anyone who says cliched lines like "That only happens in the movies", or "I'll be right back" are literally inviting the slasher to kill them. Yeah! they end up with their head chopped of in the next frame.
• Slasher entry in always coupled with ominous, minor key choir music. If you hear any music leading up to that, anyone in the frame is dead.
• Moaning usually invites death, they maybe high pitched moans from cheerleaders and jocks in cars in which case both of them die in the next frame. or Low grunting moans, in which case you are either dead/undead
• If you are a heroine, youre boyfriend either dies or is the slasher, bad news either way.
• Slashers who never spoke a single word throughout the series are so beyond psychological damage that its pretty much no use trying to convince them otherwise, But the heroines still do. More loquacious killers are usually swayed to a point where they drop their guard.
• Slashers whose identities are not revealed to the audience are immune to, any kind of damage or death.These kind of slashers are the ones who jump out of windows when they see that there is no more fruitful kills available, The entire town thinks he's dead. But you know better, such unidentified slashers invite a large number of sequels (halloween, Friday the 13th, Saw)
• Slashers whose identities are revealed are not liable for sequels, upon revealing their identity to the audience, they have lost their superhuman powers, and can now be killed by nerds who will sneak up behind them and hit them with a chair, when he is boasting off to the heroine.
• Never mock that one peculiar kid in the back of the class in 5th grade. Don't excessively mock or debilitate him for some error of his family, he WILL become a slasher and you WILL regret the day you ever got onto his bad side.
• Before attacking the heroine the slasher looks at her, almost lovingly like giving up slashing forever in her arms, but don't be fooled he's just thinking what he'll do with your kidney once he slashes you.
• Also, Slashers should ALWAYS wear some kind of mask, and have peculiar mannerism and choice of weapon and method of killing should be same, if the weapon or the kill style changes the genre is no longer slasher and the movie will fail to make an effect on the audience.

Generally, the killer is more popular with the film public for the way that they stand out than the hero or heroine. With their trademark mannerisms, who can resist their charms?

So now you are equipped with the knowledge to successfully survive a slasher ( oh! i forgot to mention if you are equipped with this knowledge and find yourself in a slasher, you are the first to die (eg. Scream) , OOPS!! )